Rather like the great battle at Rorke's Drift Mr Hair is surrounded by his leading protectors, Steve Waugh in Michael Caine's part, Shane Warne as...well you get the drift (no pun intended). The swathes of zulus are the rest of the populace intent on chopping Mr Hair up in to little pieces. I read that the ECB's umpires manager has withdrawn Mr Hair because..."It's an inappropriate time for him to do the match with what's going on (oh! you mean cricket Mr Kelly!). There are lots of lots of issues". I'm sure there are! And I thought Mr Hair was just a top class umpire trying to do his job and now we hear that there are other issues getting in the way. Funny old game as Greavsie would say.
But the best part of today's proceedings care of our great protectors at CricInfo or is it Wisden, who knows these days, I'm getting confused. That reminds me I must speak to the Brocklehurst's. They'll know what's going on! Because I am angry dear readers...very angry! CricInfo have published today an article entitled "At the right place at the wrong time" written by my old friend Bob and it's not that I'm angry that Bob has written for CricInfo you understand. I for one am delighted that Bob is writing to us all to clear this ugly mess up it's just that (I wonder if you spotted it!) written in italics under the heading CricInfo clearly state....
wait for it.......wait.....
"Bob Woolmer, the Pakistan coach, will be a regular contributor to CricInfo".
The offending word is....."will"........ooooohhhh what a stench!
How frightfully convenient of my old school teacher to grace CricInfo with his ramblings on what our Bob thinks is wrong with cricket,etc, etc....what utter balderdash. Wisden, CricInfo....I know you're all pro-Kent because I too am a Kent supporter (b.Tun Wells 57) but giving Bob a regular slot on candid ol' CricInfo is just too much.
Now for the main course.
What has Bob enlightened us with today? Before starting on this I should indicate to all new readers on this blog that I have been critical of the role Bob did or didn't play in the dressing room on the now fateful Sunday.
Well Bob starts by gleefully saying that he's been close to, part of, connected with ALL the 4 major crises in his 38 years since turning pro. I was there when my old Head Master congratulated him upon obtaining his county cap so I can vouch for the time frame. Kerry Packer's pyjamarama with Tony Greig, Bob was there, Gooch's laborious tour to unlock the next Pollock generation of South African cricketers, Bob was there, the late Hansie Cronje's infidelities, Bob was there or thereabouts and now Inziegate, Bob like a character from "Zulu", is in the thick of the fighting...god I love that film!
Bob then goes on to describe "the Darrell Hair affair" or is it the darrell affair o'hare...oh I give up...I prefer INZIEgate and that is what I'm going to refer to it as.....repeatedly...INZEEEEEE GATE.....INZIEGATE....even though I know that poor ol' Inzie is probably much more innocent than many people think. Guilty by affliction to the job (sic!)! Bob says and I quote. "It was dreadful for the game but I am sure it will also highlight issues such as how matches are umpired as well as enable a rethink on some laws of the game currently too inflexible in their interpretation". End of paragraph. Well let's just analyse this shall we Bob! I spend my working day analysing stocks and shares and see Chairmen and CEO's come up every day with excuses and spectacular innuendos but this little abbreviation is right up there with the best of them. You say "It was..." whereas I say "It is...". As for highlighting issues as to how matches are umpired I reckon we've got a pretty good system in place already Bob. It's called unbiased umpiring and foregive me if I'm wrong but most cricket games have two of them thus to avoid an element of doubt for players and spectators alike. It's only you professional cricketers who have 2 more umpires in storage and thanks to Mr Baird all 4 of them get a chance on occasions to relive an experience, something incidentally that the old codger on the village green or the 13 year old standing in for the 1st XI regular umpire and making an absolute horlicks of himself and the blessed batsmen's averages doesn't get.
And then you go on to say, and by gawd I've been expecting this (see my earlier postings on this blog), that you'd like a rethink on the laws of the game as they're too inflexible. Wow! So Bob you've been a pro for 38 years give or take a year or so and you think the laws of the game are too inflexible do you. Well let me tell you Bob I think you are talking absolute garbage. Tony Cozier mentioned 2 instances of penalties issued for ball tampering in the Windies and apart from what Billy and Darrell did the other day in my 42 years playing and watching cricket I can't ever remember umpires having to take this decision before. I would suggest that they didn't take this decision lightly as I'm sure you had sleepless nights when you stopped coaching SA and then deciding upon the Pakistan job. And when you say "their interpretation" you must be only referring to THE UMPIRES INTERPRETATION because it's ONLY the umpires who get a chance to interpret these great laws. Bob, let me bring you down to the level that the rest of us spend most of our time at, and say to you, in fact I'll take you aside and have a quiet word with you as you suggest Darrell should have done, and suggest to you that coaching cricket is your job, and you're very good, very good indeed I might say, but as a rule breaker you are flat useless. Your imaginative response to the delay by the Pakistan team to take the field reminds me of the countless schoolboys failing the time limit to get out of the pavilion and on to the field of play and their pitiful excuses.....wake up Bob this is cricket and you know the rules and so does Inzie and every spectator at that ground knew full well that when the umpire says jump, you bl**dy well JUMP. And none of you did! Your delightful reminiscence of the time that David Constant changed the ball whilst you were acting Captain (for Kent at Bournemouth presumably)because someone had picked the seam just personifies the situation you now find yourself in. You say "we got on with the game" so why didn't you get on with the game on Sunday after tea? You can't answer that BOB because you no longer like the rules. Once a rebel always a rebel! A rebel with a cause. Why I am so beligerent Bob? Because I am a rebel myself.
In your Kent days you were a very good medium swing/seam bowler and I often enjoyed your little skip as you turned back towards the stumps. I recollect that you often used to use sweat and lick to shine the ball..that's fine by me! But let's face it Bob you are or rather were a swing bowler who I recollect held the John Player record for wickets for a few seasons. Then it's not surprising that you are supportive of "converse swing". So long as it's legal that's fine. I agree with your analysis of Simon Jones. A natural swing bowler who managed to get the best fom the ball. But I think you'll agree with me Bob on this. Take 2 bowlers bowling at roughly the same speed in dry english conditions. One swings the other doesn't. Is it the ball or the action? Well, it's the action of course! You know that and I know that. Some bowlers have it others don't. C'est la vie! Some swing from when the ball leaves the arm (even G Boycott could bamboozle at times with his cap in reverse) whilst others when the ball reaches the keeper. Those that can control the swing (like Imran)just before it reaches the batsmen are gods in the annals of the game. So let's face it! This is what this Inziegate affair is all about. It's not about the lousy 5 runs Pakistan lost, it's not about the sit in, it's not about England being awarded the match, it's not about honour, it's not about Pakistan losing, it's not about Inzie, it's not about Hair, nor indeedy Mr "3 times" Billy Doctrove, it's not about Mr Speed, it's not about listening to Atherton and Hussain bleating on tv, it's not about CMJ or MN or AF using up too much copy before going to press, I'll tell you Bob what this is all about.
INTERMISSION
No comments:
Post a Comment